3 Years

January 16, 2016...a cold, rainy January day that I will never forget. It seems like it has been so long but, yet it feels like it was just yesterday. I can still see us pulling up to the cemetery where we were going to say our final goodbyes to our sweet Emalyn. I remember walking up to the limo where she was sitting and chuckling at the fact that they had her casket in the front seat. We all smiled and said at least she was riding in style. Myself and my husband carried her little, white casket to her final resting place. I glanced back at my dad while walking and remember him mouthing “are you okay?”. I nodded my head and continued to walk to her grave site. It was so cold and wet, and I felt like the weather mirrored my mood. I stood next to my husband surrounded by family and friends and even some people I didn’t know as we listened to our Pastor speak about our sweet angel. My thoughts kept going back to my sweet Gracie who was in the NICU. I remember praying to God during that time and praying that he make my Gracie stronger because I couldn’t go through that moment again. I wouldn’t survive burying another child. The memories of that day are still so vivid. I remember looking at my sister in law who was 8 months pregnant with my nephew and thinking about how hard and scary my situation must be for her. Numerous people came up to me and gave me their condolences. Many of them not knowing what to say besides they were sorry. I can still see my dad placing his hand on my angel’s casket and can clearly hear the choked back sob that left his mouth as he tried to be strong. I broke down in my mom’s arms and clung to her as I sobbed and cried my heart out. I can still hear her soft voice whispering that everything was going to be ok. In that moment, I wasn’t sure it was. I was hit full force in that moment with anxiety to the point that my arms and hands began to tingle and go numb.  Once everyone began to leave, it was time to say our final goodbye. We said goodbye to our little girl and turned to leave. As the car was pulling away, I saw the cemetery worker lay on the ground and place my baby into her final resting place. I have never wanted to crawl into a hole so bad in my entire life. I did not know how I was going to pull through and carry on, but I knew I had to be strong for my little girl who was fighting in the NICU. This day will forever be etched into my mind. No parent should ever have to go through burying their child. Our children should have to bury us. It is not fair. I pray for anyone who has lost a child and has had to go through a funeral, cremation, etc. I pray for those who had early losses and only have memories of their pregnancy no matter how brief it may have been. It is a very difficult journey. A journey I never imagined that I would have to follow. It is a journey that changes you forever. You learn to live and continue day by day, but you are never truly the same. A piece of your heart will forever be missing.

Brandon WagnerComment